It is important that you recognize if you are a giver, matcher or a taker. A giver looks for ways to help and give to others. They keep giving and giving until they have nothing left. Matchers give back what they receive. Takers look at getting whatever they can from others. Takers use manipulation by what they say and do to control someone else. They don’t care what the cost is to another person. It is difficult to sustain a relationship where one is the giver and the other is the taker. In a healthy relationship there is giving and taking and no one is keeping score. Watch how a taker treats others. If they use them then cast them aside when they get what they want, they are a taker.
What do you do if you are in a personal or professional relationship with a taker? First red flag, “actions speak louder than words.” If it is expected that you are going to be giving, listen carefully. If someone is hinting that they want something and you have to give it, watch out! The taker knows that the giver has a need to fix and rescue someone.
A giver has difficulty in receiving so they can also be a taker. It brings joy to the other person to give you something, so receive it and say ‘thank you’. Make sure your motives for giving are sincere. Whether you are a giver or a taker, these are formed when we are children. Both people have to be willing to work at it. If not, then the relationship will continue to spiral out of control.
- Practice giving without expectation of getting something in return. If you receive something, take it and say ‘thank you’.
- Stop keeping score of what you give and get. Focus on the good feeling you get from getting and receiving.
- Givers can be the most and least successful in relationships. Learn how to manage Matchers and Takers.
- Use words such as, “Okay, so we agree. I will do this and in exchange you will do that.”
Adam Grant has written books on these types of groups and is something you may want to do more research on.